so i love the new apartment..its amazing. i mean its nothing special and its tiny and the neighbors are absolutely crazy but its ours..we did it all by ourselves. although his friends are really gona start getting on our nerves if they keep having to pee. as it turns out when friends are walking in and out of your bedroom all night so they can use the bathroom it kinda starts to suck. especially when you have school at 7 the next morning. but hey…not everything can be perfect.

we have the perfect couch in there and the lizards fit perfectly right next to the balcony door….so i guess the not perfect friends cancel out for the perfection of everything else that is amazing. and the best part is we are so absolutely broke its crazy. we have no money for anything and it sucks but i am so content..i am so happy with the life i have and i am happy with the man i love. i dont mind not having any money, or having to scrounge for change to buy a pack of cigarettes. cuz i am happy for one of the very first times in my whole life.

we finally got our apartment!!!

we move in on the 14th and im so stoked. its crazy what growing up will do to you and the changes it makes you face. i mean i moved out of my dads house and into sunshines and its insane how much more comfortable i am in his house than mine. im going to school..i have a job and im looking for another one..i pay bills.

in simple words “im a big kid now!”

to be honest i wouldnt want to live with anyone else either..we argue and i guess i have to work on how to argue the right way..but i had no idea there was a right way to argue..who knew? i dont even like arguing and he wants me to learn how to do it the right way..oh no no no.i think i will just stay away from the whole scene thank you very much.

but ive grown on him..he looks at me more loving than he used to..he talks to me sweeter than he used to..he holds me tighter than he used to and behind closed doors he is…the only person in the world in my eyes.

its all worth it..i was so scared to grow up but now that i know i have someone to watch me incase i fall every step of the way i am not scared at all anymore..infact i am so excited its crazy.

it lies in all of us. sleeping, bleeding, and though unwanted forbidden it will stir. open its jaws and howl.

it speaks to us, guides us. passion rules us all in every way. what other choice do we have?

it hurts sometimes more than we can bare. if we could live without passion maybe we would know some kind of peace……but we would be hollow. empty rooms, shuttered and dank. without passion..we would be truely dead.

i was sitting with my love last night and we were both talking about the best time of our lives. and all i can think is right about now is as good as it gets. i mean i member when i was younger and didnt have a care in the world true…but i also then had no idea what life was about. dont get me wrong..sometimes i would give anything to be young and pure and have my biggest worry be who in the world i was gona stay with over the weekend but its all changed..its all grown.

now i have a full view of what the world really is..i know that this is a hard place and i cant be just like peter pan unfortunitely. in the past 5 months my life has changed so dramatically…i am in college, i am working 2 part time jobs which in my book adds out to 1 full time job, and i am in a relationship that takes all of my time but its one of the best things i have going on right now.

i member back in the summer of ‘09 it was all different..i was off galavanting and doing as i pleased.but that got me nowhere. it got me worried for what my future held and honestly it did not prepare me for the real world at all.

now i am prepared.i am making a life for myself and im doing everything i need to do to look back one day and think to myself “i did this..this was all me..no help no nothing..just one guys dying support and love for me..that got me here.”

so i thank me and i thank sunshine for pushing me..and being proud of me when nobody else was..and i thank him for letting me play with sparklers like a 5 year old when he cant stand home fireworks. and i thank him for watching me clean like a crazy woman just cuz he doesnt know how to put his dirty ass clothes in the basket.

ass.

in the last 5 months your all i think about. your all that gets my attention and all my plans focus on you. your the only one that makes me smile like the sun. makes me laugh like i never have before. makes me cry more than rain falls. you bring me more happiness than ever and more pain than any guy has before. but everyone is going to hurt you in your life..i guess you just have to find out who you are willing to suffer for..and im willing to suffer for you. crazy isnt it?

so if im so willing to suffer for you when your in that mood that your in and you can always manage to hurt me with a single sentence why do i let you do it? more or less how do i let you do it? how do i sit there and cry but never let you know what you do to me? when i think of my past your all that comes up and hate to admit it but when i think about my future all i see is you.

your the one person who has more power over me than anyone else..yes i love you my sunshine and i suffer for you cuz nobody is perfect. you have your flaws and your horrible days that i understand. you have your moments when you wana do nothing but yell. you have those moments where i can see pure anger when i look in your eyes. but then you have those moments where i see so much love in your eyes that it hurts. you have those moments where your whole world revolves around me. you are the one person i wana spend everyday with…hell we spend a lot of all days together..home is love..and your my home.

have your outbursts..have your moments…have your anger. you always manage an i love you to me afterwards so it doesnt even matter…your my sunshine.